as if we're not stressed enough at this point in the semester...

Just heard a Christmas song on the radio. Um, could we at least get through Thanksgiving before inciting our Holy Crap If I Don't Buy/Wrap/Send Gifts Soon, It Will Cost An Arm And A Leg For Postage On Top Of The Already Impossible Cost Of The Gifts anxiety? That is all.

sometimes it's just not worth the effort

Hi, I was just here an hour ago? And this receipt shows that I was charged for three of these things and I only bought two? No, I didn't notice until I got home. But then I came right back. Since I was charged for three instead of two. Um, I'm not sure how to prove that. Here are the two I bought, still in the bag. I don't have a third. Does that work? No? Yes, I understand that people could remove one from the bag. But I didn't do that. Ok, well how about asking the person who rang these up if she remembers? She's gone home for the night? And was fired so she's never coming back? That's a shame. But given that you fired her, is it possible that she misrang this sale? No? Hmmmm. Could you check your stock list? Because if there were only two, then it would have been impossible for me to have bought three. Oh, those aren't up to date? That's useful. Could you go back to your security cameras and rewind to an hour ago? And then you'll see that I am standing here with two items? Not three? Oh, you can't do that? Who can? No one? It's not even possible to rewind? What do you do with the tapes then? Do you ever watch them? No? So why do you bother taping in the first place? It's company policy? Interesting. And kind of bizarre. What other options are there? You can't think of any? Really? Not one? Well, I can. How about you give me back my fifteen dollars and we call it a day? Yeah, this whole conversation was for the benefit of fifteen dollars. Who cares? It's my fifteen dollars. And I need it back. Because I want to go buy something else. But definitely not at this store.

it makes sense, if you think about it...

Eldest: Is Daddy in another country this weekend?
Me: No, he's in another state.
Eldest: Is another state on planet earth?
Me: Yes. It's just next door to us.
Eldest: It's in our neighborhood?
Me: No, I mean there's our state and, right next to us, another state.
Eldest: So Daddy's in another state?
Youngest: Yes. Daddy is a chickmunk.

vocabulary quiz

So I'm trying to find a piece of furniture for our kitchen that has doors for storage but fits into a small space. It has to be taller than a nightstand but can't be super tall because it has to fit beneath the wall-mounted phone, which is about 2/3 of the way up the wall. It must be smaller than a buffet or large credenza because we only have 24" of width in that spot. It should be the approximate size of a hall table. We'd like a drawer, if possible, but definitely storage with doors underneath. I'm having so much trouble finding one...and I think it is terminology related. I've tried looking for a cabinet, credenza, hutch, accent table, occasional table, microwave cart, serving cart, hall table, rolling pantry, and storage table. I even looked under dressers and small armoires, in case there was something suitable. Am I missing something? Can you think of anything else it could possibly be called? Thank you, dear readers.

Next up: the strange looks given by professionals at the furniture store when I tried to describe this to them.

dear craigslist for-sale ads...

Mad love to you! When the system works, it is absolutely beautiful. Everyone is happy. And it's good for the earth, too, when we recycle things. Of course, there are sometimes glitches, so I've created this handy user guide. Mostly because my husband was all "Would you just blog about it already?" when I was trying to tell him my observations. Kisses, Inky

Hi Buyers!

• Do understand that it's mostly first-come, first-served in Craigslist world. Your seller is fielding multiple responses, so don't ask your seller to "hold" it for you to "come look at." If you already know you want to buy it, say so. It's not a retail showroom, and nobody likes a lookyloo.
• Don't give the seller a detailed questionnaire or essay exam regarding the history of the piece. It is an item. In this condition. For sale. For this much. Here are some pictures. Take it or leave it.
• Do go to appointments. People have rearranged their lives for you. For which they're getting good karma. No-shows? Not so much.
• Don't go to see something and then make a lower offer. That's just bad manners. If you want to offer less than the asking price, do it upfront. Or risk a small fight club erupting.
• Don't expect the seller to load furniture into your car. They might offer, if they are kind and able, but don't be all Hey, dude, a little help here?

Hi Sellers!

• Don't expect buyers to come flocking if you can't be bothered to post a picture. No, your description of a "brown couch, great condition" is not good enough.
• Don't write up an entire saga about how you are moving, downsizing, getting married, divorcing, or selling this for your Great-Aunt Esme. Or how you really love this piece but no longer have room for it, have redecorated it out of matching mode, or just don't use it and think it's time for someone else to enjoy it. We do not care.
• Do use "needs a little work" fairly. If your item is currently in fragments and/or requires stringent detoxification procedures to be safe for human contact, it does not qualify for this phrase.
• Don't list an item as being "shabby chic" when it's really just scratched all to hell.
• Don't try to hype with things like "This will go fast!" Unless you are psychic, in which case you're just doing your job.
• Do look up what a "credenza" actually is before listing your nightstand, kitchen table, or cat as one.
• Don't use "rustic" unless you are referring to the existing style. Your broken cabinet isn't rustic; it's a piece of shite.
• Don't be offended if you receive a counteroffer to your asking price. Craigslist is a virtual yard sale/flea market, not Saks of Fifth Friggin' Avenue. And thank goodness for that.

this can't be good

I have become so accustomed to clicking the Like Button on Facebook that my response modes are changing. For example, I sometimes spend a nanosecond, before I remember where I am, looking for a Like Button after reading a blog post, Twitter feed, or email. But the weirder instance is when I'm actually talking to someone in person, they say something clever, and I have a brief impulse to Like Button them. It's very disorienting. And they are visibly perplexed that I started pointing at them for no apparent reason. What can I say? It's a compliment.

is there an app for that?

I have to admit that I do not understand how the mind of a three-year-old works. To wit...

Youngest: Tomorrow, if I grow big, can I ride on a horsie?
Me: Grow big?
Youngest: Like a growned up. And people who ride horsies.
Me: Ok. If you grow big before tomorrow, I'll find you a horsie. Because let's face it, you will have broken all the rules of the natural world and earned it.
Youngest: Yay! I will do it!

***

Youngest: The birdie is singin' happy, singin' chee chee chee.
Husband: Cheep cheep?
Youngest: Nope.
Husband: Tweet tweet?
Youngest: No! You no sound like a birdie. I renember. He fly over dere and over the moon. And he flap his wings like this [demonstrates]. But I not a birdie. I just a little guy who hear the birdie say chee!

***

Me: Oh, sweetie, I love your haircut!
Youngest: Don't say dat agin.
Me: Why not?
Youngest: Because I won't be your friend.
Me: Ok.
Youngest: Wait, Mama. Say dat again!
Me: I love your haircut.
Youngest: Dat make me so happy.

you mean the laser that's a lightbulb?

I actually enjoy grading when I don't have 8,962 submissions at once. But there comes a point in every semester when it all piles up somehow into a good approximation of Mount Everest, and I could use a little help. So what I propose is this: a little grading machine. Nothing fancy, just some sort of technological wizardry into which I place a stack of papers and they emerge completely graded. Maybe like an Easy Bake Oven? Which is powered by lightbulbs. Which is symbolically appropriate for eureka moments, actually, but cannot cook a cupcake all the way through, regardless of the hype.

What's that, you say? They have that kind of machine? It's called a Scantron? What does it do? Grade an entire test by virtue of laser-like scanny goodness? Without any help? Who gets to use that magical geegaw? Because I'm pretty sure that those are some happy professors. Is it too late to change my major?

probably what's next

battle shields up

Dear Email Program: Could you be a superhero and reject all incoming notifications of additional committee meetings, requests for recommendation letters, and queries about when grading projects will be handed back? To save my head from exploding. Thanks.